Consciously Creating Your Marriage For the New Year

by Dana Boyle on November 29, 2011

I recently posted a status on Facebook that my husband and I created some goals together for 2012, and that it makes me feel like we’re headed in the same direction and on the same page for the coming year.  I got lots of interest on that post by way of private messages from people, and I even got a new coaching client who was interested in learning how to set intentions for her marriage for the new year.

This morning, I received this from Patti:

Dana – your couple resolutions idea for 2012 sounds cool. I think this is something I’d like to do with my husband. What kind of goals/intentions do you guys do? I’d love to read a blog post on this by the way – ha! No pressure though!

I’d love to share with you.

I’m a firm believer that your life defaults to your usual shenanigans (baggage, negativity, repeated mistakes, patterns) unless you consciously tell it where to go.  There are lots of moving parts involved in conscious creation, but I’ve learned to simplify it for myself.  I think what has happened with my life is that I’ve practiced the moving parts for so long that it’s become habit for me, so it seems easier and effortless.

For those who are new to this concept of conscious creation, here’s a quick 101 primer:

  • What you focus on gets bigger – always, so if you constantly focus on something, more of it will be showing up in your life, guaranteed
  • The present is perfect – there is always perfection in what is happening in your life, even when you can’t see it or when it seems that something is going horribly wrong – it’s always working for you and if you can find a way to see it that way, you find gifts in it.
  • Gratitude, gratitude, gratitude!  You receive and allow when you learn to recognize gifts big and small in many forms, and you give thanks for them in meaningful ways.
  • Love, love, love!  I find that my life goes along much more smoothly and things manifest for me better or I experience much less contrast (things I don’t want) when I walk through the world loving myself and others, even when we’re unlovable.
  • Belief – what you believe often determines your life’s outcomes, and if you change your beliefs because you realize they aren’t serving you in the life you want to create, you often change your outcomes.  When in doubt, suspend all belief and affirm what you want.
  • Affirmation – it’s like training your brain to adopt a new way of doing things or believing things, or to recognize opportunities and synchronicities.  Our brains are made up of neurotransmitters, and they fire off and create neural pathways.  We wear these neural pathways by doing and believing the same things over and over.  You can retrain yourself to have a new outlook or way of doing something or way of expecting life to go by affirming something you want as if it already is (suspending belief if you have to so you can get behind the idea).
  • Intention setting – This is pre-paving.  You can set powerful intentions for your life in segments as you go along.  Ie, you’re about to drive downtown and you want to find a parking space so you set an intention that as you pull up in front of where you are going a car will be just pulling out, and it does!  (Has happened to me so many times.)  But you can apply this to much more meaningful things.  For example, you’re having both sides of your family over for the holidays and you set a powerful intention that your mothers will get along or your grandma won’t get drunk or your uncle Joe won’t tell off color jokes at the table in front of your new fiancé.  It works!  I do it all day long and when I don’t do it, boy can I tell.
  • Synchronicity – these are meaningful coincidences (there are no coincidences when you learn to recognize and use synchronicity) that set you up with the right people, things and circumstances to bring your desire to reality.  If you learn to use them, you can really blaze trails.
  • Feelings are huge!  Yes, emotions.  You only ever want something because you believe it will make you feel good.  Period.  There is no other reason to want something.  Trust me on this one.  It all comes down to this.  If you can get into the “feeling space” of having what you want, it’s more likely to come to you because feelings give off vibrations and like vibrations attract like vibrations.  In other words, good stuff comes to those who feel good!  I used to bend my mind trying to figure out how it would feel to have this or that, but then I learned that the most important thing is just feeling good, period, even if I have to induce it by watching a funny video or going for a walk in nature or jamming to my favorite tunes.
  • If you’re all out go big or go home on this, the way to get what you want fast is to “act as if.”  Sounds silly, but when I practice acting as if something I want already IS in my life, it happens faster for me.  I think it has to do with the like – like thing I talked about above.  It can’t help but line up.  I have tons of ways to do this so you don’t have to pretend you have a different life as you walk through your day and make people think you’re nuts.  ;)
  • Decision – Deciding is so important.  If you’re waffling on something, your higher power (whatever you call it) is confused and is waiting for you to decide WTF you want and be clear about it so it can line things up for you toward that end.  Often when I finally DECIDE something, it happens in a snap.  No kidding.

Now that I summarize the most important parts and look at the list, I guess you might say wow, that’s a lot to do but, trust me, if you practice these things they become second nature and you don’t have to think about them much.  It’s automatic.

When I suggested my husband and I set goals for 2012, my intention was that I would use our marital goals as a platform to consciously create our marriage for 2012.  I’m not sure my husband views it the same way, because he isn’t so sure about conscious creation, but he does believe in setting goals, so we have something.

Back to Patti’s question:  What kinds of goals/intentions do you guys do?

I am not sure it helps to list some of the examples from our goals for the new year, but what may help is to suggest what I typically do for my own new year goals.  I don’t make resolutions, because they don’t work.  What I do instead is set goals and intentions.  I almost always go back to find that the goals I set came to light just by being intentional about it.

I sit down with a piece of paper and 9 areas of life and I set goals for each one (in no particular order):

  • Health
  • Career/Work
  • Spirituality
  • Family and Friends
  • Romance/Marriage
  • Fun
  • Finances
  • Personal development and education
  • Physical environment

You can use those areas as a springboard to talk to your spouse about goals for the year ahead.  The way I do it is to think about each area and first just brainstorm on what I’d like that area to look like.  Then I take those things and create actual goals from them.  Add categories if you don’t see one that’s important to you.  You can also dovetail this with listing the areas of your marriage that have been troublesome for the past year and then flipping those things around and brainstorming on how you’d prefer them to be in each area.

If you need help with this, let me know.  I do have someone who is coaching with me to help with it to get ready and give more intention to the year ahead.

{ 4 comments… read them below or add one }

Jana November 29, 2011 at 8:33 am

Hey Dana, I love this setting intentions and goals for your marriage article! Coincidentally, I think my husband and I have done the same without knowing at the weekend! I find it particularly important to be present when we spend time together and to learn the love language he understands and feels and to help him understand mine. Here’s to a glorious 2012 for all of us! xo

Reply

Dana Boyle November 29, 2011 at 9:27 am

Hi Jana!

Thanks for visiting and for sharing your “coincidental” experience this weekend! It must have been a powerful weekend for shifts. Absolutely! A blissful 2012 to you and Andre! xo

Reply

Patti November 30, 2011 at 10:09 am

Hey Dana!

Thanks so much for answering my question. I love your ideas! We already do yearly financial goals, but this has given me some great ideas about how we can expand our goals into other areas. I’ve been married for almost 7 years and I think this is a good way to “tune up” your marriage because with kids, dogs, work and family obligations, etc it is easy to get caught up in the chaos of every day life. Thanks for sharing your wisdom! It will help me and many, many others I’m sure.

Reply

Dana Boyle November 30, 2011 at 10:20 am

Patti,

Thank you for the question and inspiration! I didn’t realize that what we were doing would be so useful for so many people. :) Duh. I’m glad it’s helpful. You don’t know how many times I’ve heard “we used to be that couple everyone envied, but with the kids, careers, house, dogs, etc…we seem to have lost it” in the past month. I think part of that is taking time for our relationships. My parents gave me a very good example of putting their love first as we grew up. They went out every Weds for dinner and they hired a sitter every weekend or close so they could go dancing. They didn’t feel guilty about it, and it helped them keep their spark all these years.

Maybe I’ll write about that next. xo

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